Hash N+345 "Lago Norte Hash"

Sunday, 13th of September

🍻🐾 BH3 HASH N+345

🍺 WHAT HAPPENED AT HASH N+344?

Hash N+344, hared by Sperm Bank and Opulence, was a dusty, hilly and ticky little bastard of a trail.

Officially, it was only 4.7 km.

Physically, it felt like 10.

By the end, almost everybody, except the suspiciously cheerful hares and Just Siena, was cursing like sailors.

Just Siena bounced along and reminded us old farts that we too were apparently young once, with energy, working knees and other things now lost to history.

The trail was shitty as, the beer stop was desperately welcome, and the Circle delivered the usual accusations, drinking and public humiliation.

Another Shitty BH3 Hash.

🍻 HASH N+345

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!

Two weeks ago, Sir Shagsalot VOLUNTEERED to hare N+345.

Naturally, this meant Union Jack-Off was automatically volunteered as well.

Both come from that small rainy island that somehow conquered half the planet with wooden ships, warm beer and an unjustified level of confidence.

Yes...

GREAT BRITAIN.

Expect stiff upper lips, posh accents, mild colonial arrogance and, inevitably, drunkenness.

Should either hare start speaking in an excessively snobbish English accent, the Hash Master grants temporary permission to slap them.

Gently.

We do have standards.

Very low standards, but standards nonetheless.

And to make matters worse, some wankers from California are joining us.

They claim they're here for a conference.

We know they really came to experience South America’s finest dysfunctional kennel.

So let's make sure they return to California confused, slightly dehydrated and with at least one story they can't tell their employers.

On On!

---

📍 STARTING POINT

Parque das Garças at the end of Lago Norte

🕒 TIME

15:00 SHARP

Which in Hash terminology means we'll stand around drinking and insulting each other until the late bastards finally arrive.

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🗺️ THE TRAIL

🏃 RUNNERS – Yes there will be a runners trail

Distance: 7–9 km

Elevation: More than you'd like.

Navigation: Questionable.

Survival: Probable.

Beer: Even more probable.

If you get lost, remember the ancient Hash technique:

Run faster in the wrong direction.

🚶 WALKERS

Roughly 6 km of:

·         Complaining about the heat.

·         Complaining about the trail.

·         Complaining about the hare.

·         Inventing shortcuts that make the trail longer.

·         Asking "How much further?" every seven minutes.

·         Suddenly developing Olympic speed when somebody says BEER STOP!

---

🍻 WHAT TO EXPECT

🎭 CHALK TALK

Listen carefully. Nod intelligently. Forget everything within five minutes.

🍺 BEER STOP

Beer contains water.

Water prevents dehydration.

Therefore beer prevents dehydration.

SCIENCE.

Please don't ask an actual doctor.

🎉 THE CIRCLE

Questionable songs. Dubious accusations. False testimony. Public humiliation. Unnecessary down-downs.

Evidence will not be required.

Lessons will not be learned.

The perfect Sunday afternoon.

---

🌞 WEATHER

Probably hot enough to fry an egg on a car bonnet.

Or it might piss down.

In September?

Apparently the weather gods have started drinking early.

THIS IS BRAZIL. 🇧🇷

---

🎒 BRING

☀️ Sunscreen

🧢 A hat

👟 Running or walking shoes

💰 Beer money

💧 Water

😂 A sense of humour

🎩 Whatever dignity you still possess

Don't worry about bringing the dignity home.

It won't survive the Circle.

---

Dust off your shoes, stretch absolutely nothing, ignore common sense and join Brasília's finest collection of: 🍺 DRINKERS WITH A RUNNING PROBLEM 🏃

THIS ISN'T EXERCISE.

It's a guided tour of poor decisions through the Brazilian bush, following questionable markings laid by two British wankers...

with a beer stop.

🍻🐾 ON ON! 🐾

            Hash N+344 "Parque Copaibas Hash"

Sunday, 30th of August

🍻🐾 Welcome to Brasília Hash N+344 🍻🐾

🍻🐾 BH3 HASH N+344 – RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

🍺 What Happened at Hash N+343?

The last Hash, N+343, was hared by our very own Calcoholic, a man who apparently believes bridges, traffic and beer are perfectly acceptable ingredients for a Sunday afternoon.

We started near the JK Bridge, headed halfway across for the obligatory Hash Flash, then turned back and wandered past the golf course and into the club sector.

Naturally, before the Hash even started, the usual Brazilian Hasher excuses began arriving:

"It's too hot."

"It's too cold."

"There's too much sun."

"My wife wants quality time."

"My girlfriend doesn't know about my wife."

"My goldfish has anxiety."

Frankly, it's a miracle Brazilians have survived in Brazil this long.

Meanwhile, the gringos looked at the beautiful weather, shrugged, opened a beer and hashed anyway.

ON ON!

---

🍻 HASH N+344

For our next exercise in poor judgement, we return to Parque Copaíbas in Lago Sul.

This historic location is where Sperm Bank first made the catastrophic mistake of joining our dysfunctional collection of wankers.

Clearly he learned absolutely nothing from the experience, because now he has volunteered to hare N+344, under the questionable guidance of Opulence.

What could possibly go wrong?

Actually, Parque Copaíbas should give us a bloody good trail, with gorgeous views over Lake Paranoá and the JK Bridge guaranteed.

Whether the trail itself is gorgeous is another matter entirely.

So prepare yourself for a shitty Hash, great company and plenty of golden ale.

And please...

NO WEATHER EXCUSES.

Nobody believes you anyway.

---

📍 STARTING POINT

Parque Copaíbas – Lago Sul

🕒 TIME

15:00 SHARP

Which, in Hash terminology, means we'll stand around drinking and insulting each other until the late bastards finally arrive.

---

🗺️ THE TRAIL

🏃 RUNNERS

Distance: Classified information.

Elevation: More than you'd like.

Navigation: Questionable.

Survival: Not guaranteed.

Beer: Probable.

🚶 WALKERS

Expect roughly 6 km of:

·         Following arrows that probably aren't ours.

·         Complaining about the heat.

·         Complaining about the trail.

·         Complaining about the hare.

·         Complaining about the runners.

·         Complaining about the walkers.

·         Inventing shortcuts that somehow make the trail longer.

·         Pretending you're "just keeping a steady pace."

·         Asking "How much further?" every seven minutes.

·         Miraculously developing Olympic-level speed when someone mentions the beer stop.

---

🍻 WHAT TO EXPECT

🎭 CHALK TALK

Vital instructions delivered by people who have absolutely no idea where they're going.

Listen carefully.

Then immediately forget everything.

 

🍺 BEER STOP

A medically questionable but Hash-approved treatment for dehydration.

Remember:

Hydration is important.

And beer contains water.

Science.

 

🎉 THE CIRCLE

Expect:

Questionable songs.

Dubious accusations.

False testimony.

Public humiliation.

Unnecessary down-downs.

Cold beer.

And absolutely no lessons learned.

In other words...

The perfect Sunday afternoon.

---

🌞 WEATHER FORECAST

Probably hot enough to fry an egg on the bonnet of a car.

Possibly hot enough to fry a lost Hasher.

This is Brazil.

You knew that when you moved here.

---

🎒 BRING

·         Sunscreen.

·         A hat, unless sunstroke is part of your training programme.

·         Water, for those strange people who drink it.

·         Beer money.

·         Running or walking shoes.

·         A sense of humour.

·         Whatever dignity you still possess.

Don't worry about bringing the dignity home.

It won't survive the Circle.

---

So dust off your running shoes, stretch absolutely nothing, ignore common sense and join Brasília's finest collection of drinkers with a running problem.

Remember...

THIS ISN'T EXERCISE.

It's a guided tour of poor decisions...

...through the Brazilian bush...

...with questionable navigation...

...and a beer stop.

🍻🐾 ON ON!

                         Hash N+343 "JK Bridge Hash"

Sunday, 16th of August

 🍻🐾 Welcome to Brasília Hash N+343 🍻🐾

Well, the bloody World Cup is finally over, and Hash N+342 dragged us kicking and screaming back into the only sport that really matters... drinking beer after pretending to exercise. 

The trail marked the glorious debut of Just Phil as a hare, under the "expert" supervision of Union Jack-Off. Did the Canuck pass his hare test? Well... according to Union Jack-Off, Just Phil successfully managed to mark a handful of arrows and even one lonely check. A proud achievement indeed. His greatest contribution, however, was enthusiastically locating the beer stop. 

The original beer stop threw us out because they had the outrageous idea of closing their business. Fortunately, no self-respecting Hash ever lets a minor inconvenience like that stand between them and a cold beer, so an alternative watering hole was quickly found. The trail wandered through the quadras, snaked around the university, and eventually spat us back into the Circle, where justice was served in the usual form of lies, abuse, accusations and alcohol. 

This Sunday it's Hash N+343, hared by Calcoholic, our resident racist. Not that kind of racist... we mean he's ridiculously fast and spends his weekends voluntarily running marathons instead of drinking like a normal human being. 

Our start is at Orla Ponte JK, near the JK Bridge. Where will the trail go? Only Calcoholic knows... and judging by his running addiction, probably much further than anyone asked for. Expect a proper runners' trail, plenty of opportunities to question your life choices, and hopefully at least one beer stop before anyone collapses.

So stop making excuses like:

"It's too hot."

"It's too cold."

"My wife wants quality time."

"My girlfriend doesn't know about my wife."

"My goldfish has anxiety."

Nobody believes you anyway.

📍 Starting Point

Orla Ponte JK (near the JK Bridge)

🕒 Time

15:00 sharp

(Which means the chalk talk starts whenever the late bastards finally arrive.)

---

🗺️ The Trail

🏃 Runners

Distance: Classified information.

Elevation: More than you'd like.

Survival: Not guaranteed

🚶 Walkers

Roughly 6 km of:

·         Following arrows that probably aren't ours.

·         Complaining about the heat.

·         Complaining about the hare.

·         Complaining about the walkers.

·         Inventing shortcuts that are somehow longer.

·         Pretending you're "just keeping a steady pace."

·         Miraculously sniffing out the beer stop.

---

🍻 What to Expect 

🎭 Chalk Talk

Vital instructions delivered by people who have absolutely no idea where they're going.

🍺 Beer Stop

Medical treatment for dehydration... Hash style.

🎉 Circle

Questionable songs.

Dubious accusations.

Public humiliation.

Cold beer.

The perfect Sunday afternoon.

---

🌦️ Forecast

Hot enough to fry an egg on the bonnet of a car... or a lost Hasher.

---

🧳 Bring

·         Sunscreen

·         Beer money

·         A hat (unless you enjoy sunstroke)

·         A sense of humour

·         Whatever dignity you still possess (it won't survive the Circle) 

So dust off your running shoes, stretch absolutely nothing, ignore your doctor, and join the finest collection of alcoholics pretending to be athletes.

Remember...

This isn't exercise.

It's a guided tour of poor decisions...

...with a beer stop.

ON ON! 🍻🐾